It's been a couple of weeks now....

....and I am just getting to this update now. LOL

My last entry was the day before I got official results and treatment options after my diagnostic tests. The meeting with the new doctor at the cancer clinic went ok. Asked a lot of questions, was left feeling really crappy since I need to have more surgery, take chemo and then radiation.

I met with my surgeon on Friday the 22nd. Got the news he wants to take between 5 and 20 lymph nodes, which means the same incision as the one on the right side. This means there will probably be nerve damage and a much longer recovery from my surgery than I was expecting. Feeling really powerless and disappointed. Nothing I Want is working out and is leaving me very frustrated. I realize that what I want is moot, other things and people are in control again. That sucks beyond measure, slight control freak that I am.
So I had a melt down day finally. What broke the camel's back you ask? Burnt cupcakes.
My staff christmas party was the following day, so I went home to bake 9 dozen spice cake cupcakes and burnt the first 4 dozen. My mom offered to help me out, which I didn't ask for, but really I appreciated it beyond description. She made rice crispy squares after I called her to bring me the supplies so I could make 9 dozen of them. So big time melt down due to not having really melted since this all started again in October. What is the point of being optimistic when the optimism turns out to be unfounded??
After all that emotional venting, I have been doing much better. At least I don't start crying at the drop of a hat all the time. LOL I can laugh about the cup cakes now, but I sure couldn't that night, or even the next day. LOL

My immediate future is all I am able to "make plans" for. Anything beyond my surgery date is pretty much up in the air. I don't like this uncertainty, I don't like feeling powerless and unable to stop the bad stuff that keeps popping up. I have doctor's appointments before my surgery, which is only 8 days away, lots of questions and hopes and wishes. I need some things to go my way.

I was hoping to get a tattoo before I started my chemo, but I doubt that will happen now. There isn't enough time to get in to the guy I want to see. Maybe I will gett a henna tattoo before my surgery, keep it freshened up until I can get the real thing. Now I need to make another call. LOL There I have solved one problem for myself, that feels good. Glad my brain is still working, for now. :D

Yule/Christmas was good, my grandparents came to visit and my sis from Edmonton came down. It was nice to have the family together, even if my aunt and uncle couldn't make it like they were hoping. New Years was quiet, my sis and I watched ClerksII, forgot to drink alcohol, but stayed up until 2 am.

Happy Yule and Happy New Year everyone, hope this new year brings a new beginning for all. Good health, good relations and good deeds are wished upon all. Wes thu hael!