Writing - a favorite past time come to haunt me again

Wanting to pass along an article that I enjoyed reading. I used to write a lot in High School, not because I had to (and I did) but because I loved to. Somewhere around my mid-twenties I moved away from writing, but every couple of years or less, I get the itch to start writing again. I wrote all sorts of things, but mainly horror fiction or fantasy. The odd bit of bad poetry too LOL.

I used to leave work with little slips of paper in my pockets that had story ideas, or plot ideas, or character ideas....you get the idea, on them. I think I still have most of them, lost in my seven seas worth of papers and such in my desk drawers or boxes of memorabilia in the basement. I have some organized and gathered into binders and coil books. This also includes my dream journals/pages from writing down what I dreamt in the depths of the night.

A lot of what this author describes reminds me of the people watching I used to do at the bar when I was younger (and the designated driver). There is something wonderful to being sober in a huge room full of drunk people, lots of stories to be found that is for sure.

Anyhow, check out the article, you might be inspired. :D

Rebus on draught

AS another beverage is launched to pay homage to Rebus's 20th
anniversary, author IAN RANKIN reveals why Scottish pubs are such inspiring
places


http://news.scotsman.com/index.cfm?id=139322007

Rebus on draft

IAN RANKIN

"A PUB is a great place for a writer to be. They have always been fascinating social laboratories where you get a mix of people from different backgrounds, different jobs, different attitudes - just like on Big Brother. Every pub is Big Brother writ large.

Beer is a great equaliser because it's not an expensive product, it's what people tend to drink at the end of a hard day. Because it's quite cheap, it's egalitarian."

The remainder of the article can be found at The Scotsman, just follow the link supplied above.

Enjoy!

A good day so far..... :D

Although the day is young (about 1:30pm) as I write this, it has been a good day so far.

I got a fairly decent sleep last night, had the usual interruptions and lying awakeness that I am becoming somewhat accustomed to. Got up around 9:30am and puttered around the house. Visited my neighbors today due to the roaring music shaking my dishes for the third day in a row. Now I know what the woman who lives there looks like. LOL

I had a phone call from the hospital for pre-admission information (again) so everything is updated. Gained another appointment in the process. LOL

Today, at this moment, I feel the least anxiety I have felt in a long while, weeks for sure. Not exactly sure why, but I am appreciating the perspective it is giving me. I hope it lasts.

I am still experiencing upper chest pain, breathing can be difficult at times. Shallow breaths are about all I can muster unless I want to feel a lot of pain, a sigh or a big breath makes me hurt from my jaw down to my heart. It seems that my heart is fine, my blood pressure has been back to normal since that Monday that had me visiting the ER.

The feeling of being in control of my life and my future is still tenuous at best, but at least I can do some things that make it a bit better. I have lots of paperwork to keep me busy for the next week or so. Filling out insurance forms, dropping them off for professionals to fill out, pick them up and then mailing everything out again gives me something to do, and as much fun as that is, it is better than doing nothing.

I have been getting really stir-crazy, I have been off work now for 15 days. I have tried being creative, started writing little stories again, but I am sick of sitting at the computer. LOL Cleaning and organizing is great, but I have such a mess, that it is hard to get a lot done at one time. I am tackling one job at a time, and that one job can take me days depending on what it is. Dance class is great, but I just hope that the paint fumes dissipate soon, they are a bit thick up there (at least for me lol).

So, what am I grateful for today?

I am grateful for the warm weather today, we have a high of +11C today, the wind is only just starting to pick up.
I am grateful for my family and friends who are doing so much for me, trying to keep me from being bored or stressed. They are doing wonderfully.
I am grateful for my cat, lol, because she is a great source of amusement and distraction, even when she is being grumpy.
I am grateful for my home, for being a place of sanctuary as it gets cleaner every day. :D

There are many projects for me to complete. Tidying the house is a major one. Doing my paperwork and submitting all forms is another big one. I signed up for an online course that I need to do the readings and assignments for, and I am glad I have something with a deadline to give my brain something to work for, rather than straying to more disquieting thoughts. Maybe I will even get the spare room painted before my surgery. That would be nice, then I could put the doorknob on the door and the curtains back on the window. I think I will work harder on my meditations and visualizations, perhaps that will make these next few months easier. Honestly, as I get all these appointments booked, my life feels more controlled. There are daily, weekly or monthly goals/events that I can work toward and that gives me a very good feeling. Even if some of the appointments may not be enjoyable.

Wow, I think I sound pretty optimistic today, what is wrong with me?? My pessimistic side is taking a break. That is really nice. :D LOL

Oh, and one more thing I am grateful for.

I am grateful for the wasp that stung me this summer.

Once again....

Well, once again, surgery is in the future. :D

They called me shortly after I finished my blog entry yesterday. My surgery is booked for the 5th of Feb. Nearly a month later than originally scheduled, but at least it is going to happen. So new anxiety again. LOL That seems to be another theme in my life.

I am hoping that all will be ready for me soon, as far as my paperwork being completed. It seems my employer isn't interested in being helpful. I don't expect people to be concerned for me, but just show a bit of common decency is all I am asking for. It is all anyone could ask for, yet so many seem lacking in that department.

My dance class went great last night, good to be back at things again. Tomorrow is my Tribal class, and I am certainly looking forward to that too. Can't wait to be back at the routine we started last session, and I wonder if we will be doing a new routine this time too. I think we will be very busy. :D That is great. I am excited, despite my stress. LOL

Ok, gonna go now, have some work to do around the house.

A disappointing 2 weeks

Its been a rough two weeks since I last posted.
I have met with three doctors in the past two weeks, my chiropractor (good visit at least LOL), and the HR person at work. I have made phone calls like crazy to help ensure I don't have too many financial difficulties in the next while. Yesterday I spent about 2 1/2 hrs on the phone calling insurance companies, government agencies and a few other people. I am having flashbacks to 2 years ago, this is what I had to to do back then and now I am doing it again.
It feels good to be able to have some sort of security net to fall back on. That is my biggest good news right now. The other is that I still have no damage to my left arm. Wanna know why?

My surgery was cancelled due to an outbreak of Noro Virus in the Medicine Hat Regional Hospital. They are looking at maybe opening the hospital today, but that is a decision that will depend on day by day happenings and decisions by the PHA. I called my surgeon today (his office has been closed since last week when I tried calling on Thursday - my surgery date) and they have no idea when I will be able to re-book, but the nurse didn't think it would take as long as a month. I understand they can't book anything until the hospital is open for new patients, but it doesn't make it any less frustrating.

It has taken me nearly a week to gain some perspective in the happenings of the last 2 weeks. Everytime I think things are moving along, something happens to change the movement. Right now I am effectively stalled. Frustrated, you ask? That is the running theme for the year, for the past couple of months. I am tired of being frustrated.

Even my attempts to keep life normal have been thwarted. I wasn't going to go off work until I proved unable to work because of physical inability. Whether that was my recovery from surgery or from chemo treatments. But now I am on medical leave as of Friday last week. I am so stressed right now. I even ended up in the ER last monday (the 9th) due to anxiety, my BP was crazy, heart rate was between 104 and 122 while resting, chest pain, the whole 9 yards. So when the surgery was cancelled I fell apart again, so now I am on stress leave.

My job hasn't been very helpful when it comes to stress. There seems to be a serious lack of concern from the office staff, in the middle of all this change they want me to make more changes. They want me to move from the house I work at and go to another one, or take contracts. I have been at this house for 2 years and all of a sudden "it's not working out for you". WTF!!!! So when I called to say I wouldn't be returning to work right now my supervisor at the house I work at says she will fill my shifts for Jan. Great. When I mention I don't know what will happen with February, she says "aren't you transferring to another house?". I never agreed to move, but I am being moved whether I agree or not. So when I go back to work, I won't even be in the house I am used to, with clients I am familiar with, etc.

How can I not feel like I am being crapped on right now! I must be hard to please, cuz the little bits of forward momentum aren't enough for me. LOL I am doing what I can, I hate having no control over what is happening. Control freak, what? Me? Nah....

I hope I can change 2007 from The Year of Frustration to The Year of Positive Progress. The longer all of my medical treatments take, the harder it will be. I wanted so much this year, just little things really, but they are getting less and less likely. I wanted to go to the mountains since I haven't been there since I was 13. I wanted to go camping, its been a couple of years, in a tent, and have lots of fireside foods and conversations. But right now the biggest want, its actually a need, is to be healthy. And that is just a dream at this point.....

C'mon, lets get this over with already, I have stuff to do! :D

Now for some good news......

I was flipping channels today and came across the Discovery Channel. Every so often I take a gander at what they are covering that day. I can't tell you what show was on, but they were showcasing German engineering and technology, etc.

The item of interest has to do with land mine detection and elimination. There is a company called MineWolf Systems AG. They have developed a number of machines to help safely detect/detonate or otherwise remove land mines. According to the show today, they are in the process of sending 2 more machines to Sudan. And Jordan just received a machine, according to their website:
http://www.minewolf.com/
They also have a newsletter you can subscribe to if you want to keep up on news for the company.

It is good to see some positives in the world, amongst all the war and violence going on. It is great to see something that benefits rather than damages all of us.

It's been a couple of weeks now....

....and I am just getting to this update now. LOL

My last entry was the day before I got official results and treatment options after my diagnostic tests. The meeting with the new doctor at the cancer clinic went ok. Asked a lot of questions, was left feeling really crappy since I need to have more surgery, take chemo and then radiation.

I met with my surgeon on Friday the 22nd. Got the news he wants to take between 5 and 20 lymph nodes, which means the same incision as the one on the right side. This means there will probably be nerve damage and a much longer recovery from my surgery than I was expecting. Feeling really powerless and disappointed. Nothing I Want is working out and is leaving me very frustrated. I realize that what I want is moot, other things and people are in control again. That sucks beyond measure, slight control freak that I am.
So I had a melt down day finally. What broke the camel's back you ask? Burnt cupcakes.
My staff christmas party was the following day, so I went home to bake 9 dozen spice cake cupcakes and burnt the first 4 dozen. My mom offered to help me out, which I didn't ask for, but really I appreciated it beyond description. She made rice crispy squares after I called her to bring me the supplies so I could make 9 dozen of them. So big time melt down due to not having really melted since this all started again in October. What is the point of being optimistic when the optimism turns out to be unfounded??
After all that emotional venting, I have been doing much better. At least I don't start crying at the drop of a hat all the time. LOL I can laugh about the cup cakes now, but I sure couldn't that night, or even the next day. LOL

My immediate future is all I am able to "make plans" for. Anything beyond my surgery date is pretty much up in the air. I don't like this uncertainty, I don't like feeling powerless and unable to stop the bad stuff that keeps popping up. I have doctor's appointments before my surgery, which is only 8 days away, lots of questions and hopes and wishes. I need some things to go my way.

I was hoping to get a tattoo before I started my chemo, but I doubt that will happen now. There isn't enough time to get in to the guy I want to see. Maybe I will gett a henna tattoo before my surgery, keep it freshened up until I can get the real thing. Now I need to make another call. LOL There I have solved one problem for myself, that feels good. Glad my brain is still working, for now. :D

Yule/Christmas was good, my grandparents came to visit and my sis from Edmonton came down. It was nice to have the family together, even if my aunt and uncle couldn't make it like they were hoping. New Years was quiet, my sis and I watched ClerksII, forgot to drink alcohol, but stayed up until 2 am.

Happy Yule and Happy New Year everyone, hope this new year brings a new beginning for all. Good health, good relations and good deeds are wished upon all. Wes thu hael!