Its Almost Time

Today is day 14 since my first chemo treatment. The countdown has begun for my hair.

Yesterday I noticed that individual hairs were coming loose when I pulled on one to move it out of my eyes. The breakage has started. The time line for hair loss is very individual, but usually begins at some point after the 10th day after the first treatment. The range I have been given was between 10 and 21 days. Today I am shedding just a bit more hair than yesterday. So it is hard to say what tomorrow will bring.

I am trying to decide when to shave my head. Do I go in tomorrow, or do I wait until I can't take the shedding anymore. And it is quite possible that both of those criteria will co-inside.

The past week has been pretty good. I have felt basically myself once Tuesday came around. My energy is back to normal. My appetite is mostly normal, some days I feel kinda gross after eating, but for the most part things are fine.

Today I visited a local seamstress who is making some head scarves for me. Hopefully they will be something I can handle wearing. Right now I can't stand having anything on my head, but I will have to wear something cuz summer is on the way, and I do live in Canada's sunniest city. I am already sensitive to sunlight, and the drugs they are giving me also increase sun sensitivity, so I guess I need to be really careful. I certainly don't want a burnt head. lol

This weekend was busy, my sister had her birthday on Saturday so we went out for supper twice. Had some good food and a nice time visiting with my parents and my sister. Saturday I also went wandering around downtown with a friend and took a pile of pictures. It was a great two and a half hours. I posted a number of the pics on my Flickr site. It was a great afternoon, I had a wonderful trip down memory lane skulking about the alleys and detours I used to haunt in highschool. I hope to do something like that again, it was fun.

Oh, and I decided to start drawing again. I have discover I still can. And I didn't even have to work that hard for it either. I will pick a more challenging picture in the future, and I am looking forward to it. I can't wait to frame and hang them. It feels good to do some creative projects. Maybe I will start writing again too.

So, I was asked last night if I had any interesting plans this week, and I guess I will, should I decide to shave my head this week. It's just a matter of time....

I just ate.....

....some pizza. So I am feeling good enough to get through this if I go quick enough.

So first a quick update on the dancing.
The Worlds for Women dinner in honor of International Women's Day was good. We performed at the Medalta Potteries Historical Site here in Medicine Hat. There were the usual tight passages and time lines just as in all other performances I have done. But there were some things that were very different. Typically the audience is encouraged to get up and dance with the dancers after the performances, but we ran out of time so that was nixed. However, the dancing around the entire space to show ourselves off was there, that makes me a bit nervous. I am not used to being so close to the spectators LOL. We went out, danced around the entire open floor space then we set up to dance in the main area in the middle of the floor. The most unfortunate bit about the evening was that the lighting was terrible and there were many places in the seating where people didn't get a very good view of the performances. We were dancing in near darkness and that made some of the costumes loose their appeal since things were hardly sparkling or shining. Also, the nature of the location, an old clay factory, has terrible acoustics for using zills. They were very flat. Add to the fact we are needing to improve our technique, and it was probably the most disappointing part of our performances.
But we had fun, at least I did. It was a neat experience, once I get over the stage fright of being amongst the spectators I think I will make fewer mistakes.
So that is last Saturday in a nut shell. It was good.

Monday is a whole 'nuther ball o' wax.
Monday was my first chemo treatment. It was almost surreal going into the back, into the treatment room. On one hand I felt like I was walking my last mile and on the other it was like I was just going to get my blood drawn or the doc would just be doing a check up and off I would go. It was a strange feeling.
In the room there are a number of chairs, like gerry-chairs (not sure on the spelling), for people to sit in. For those who don't know, gerry-chairs are for people too sick to sit or even recline in a wheelchair, they are like beds on wheels but look like uncomfortable lazy-boys. They aren't too uncomfortable but not exactly a pillow top mattress set. LOL
So yeah, I picked a chair, got hooked up to some saline solution, got some anti-nausea meds and then the treatment began. There is no noticable indication that anything is happening at first, but I slowly started to develop a headache. I still have the headache, from time to time, but not too much. Once all the IV drips and the push (syringes with one drug has to be "forced" into the IV by hand rather than dripped in) are done I was able to head home.
My headache got worse, I got more and more tired and then I started to feel queasy. I ate lunch ok, but my suppertime I started to vomit. I couldn't keep anything down after that, not even water. Monday kinda sucked, even with the anti-nausea meds that I took after getting home.
Tuesday and Wednesday were hard, I was tired or sick feeling, but the puking was over thankfully. The past week I found energy to do some things, but I also slept or rested a fair bit too. I went to dance classes on Tuesday and Thursday, took breaks when I needed to. I have good days and bad days energy wise and eating wise. My appetite has slowly been coming back and I am glad for that. I certainly feel better if I have some hearty food in my stomach, most of the time, lol.
The hardest thing I am dealing with is the feeling of being hungover/drunk all week. It seems it isn't totally normal but it is also not abnormal to feel like this. I don't like it. I can deal with being tired or fatigued, but my head is so wonky I don't want to do much of anything that requires using my head. I don't want to read or watch tv or talk, but I do want to do these things. I am bored, I want to entertain myself, but I can't concentrate enough to make it worth the energy expenditure. I hope I won't be like this the whole way through treatment.

So, now on to other things. :D
I cut my hair on Wednesday. It is now just above my shoulders, layered. Everyone says it looks good, I look so young. I feel like a boy LOL. I am not missing it as much as I thought I would, but I do miss having some length. Soon though I will be missing it completely, so I hope I am used to this cut before it all falls out. It does look good on me, but since my energy is so low, I can hardly be bothered to do anything with it.
I bought some fabric to make head scarves and I will work on them this week if I can get motivated enough LOL. I have a new hat that my mom helped me pick out yesterday, so hopefully that will be good for the time being too. Also, my wig is just waiting for me to be ready for it, I will get it trimmed so I can see through the bangs, and then all will be as good as it will get until I have a full head of hair again. :D

Last night I went to the movies. Saw 300. I liked it. Wonderful storytelling. I like that it had a narrator instead of being full of dialogue. The imagery was great, the colors and style of camera work was great. Definitely great on the big screen, I am sure it will be neat at home on a good sized LCD or plasma tv too. I am glad I got to see it in the theatre. Oh, and the music was great too.

Ok, well, I am finally getting tired. Time for a break. Maybe I will go sit on the couch again, or maybe I will keep reading email. I need to do some dishes, oh and laundry too.....I need a maid. LOL

So I started this post yesterday.....

Yeah, I did start this yesterday, but then I got tired. I got tired of sitting at the computer. But now I am back to finish what I started (even though it was in point form only lol).

This week has been mildly eventful.

Monday I took the day off. I only went outside long enough to grab the newspaper and the mail. It was good to just laze around the house and know that I didn't have any appointments to go to.

Tuesday I went for a massage and also had my dance class. The massage was really needed after all the practicing and dancing I did recently. Dance class was great, we went over the routine we have been learning, learned the parts we didn't have the time to learn before the trade show performance. We might end up performing 2 routines at Spectrum this summer, the one we learn next session and the one we are learning now. That way we can perform the routine the way we were supposed to. Learned a few 'new' moves and I have been practicing when I can. :D

Wednesday was my busiest day. I got my new hair (ie: wig) and a couple of head coverings. Then it was time to head off for my blood work and the teaching session for my chemo.
The teaching session provided me with a lot of answers to many questions. I also was provided with a huge binder full of material detailing all the particulars of my treatment. We went over what drugs will be used, what the side effects could/will be, personal care/nutrition and many other things I need to be aware of. Of course, all that material was just shown to me, but not read. That is what I will be doing with some of my time this weekend. Monday is the my first treatment.
Obviously, I am a bit nervous about what Monday will be like. And what the next 4-5 months will be like. Last night I had a dream about being in prison, I was scared that I would not be able to follow my treatment and care plan. I think this dream is just a representation of feeling trapped by this illness, feeling overwhelmed by the information given to me on Wednesday, and generally being anxious about the whole process. It feels like it is making more of an impact on my life this time, in that the treatment will last much longer this time. Even though I will be treated locally for chemotherapy, I do have radiation treatments again. That will mean travelling to Calgary again, wonder if I can take my cat...probably not :-(

Thursday was quiet, I ran an errand or two, did nothing much around the house (a few chores), and then off to dance class again. It is American Tribal Bellydancing on Thursdays, I love it a lot. We practiced our second routine all class as we have to perform two routines on Saturday for the Worlds of Women dinner (this is a charity in Medicine Hat that supports immigrant women). We haven't practiced the second routine since last year. It has only been performed once, and that was in November. We haven't done anything with it since then. But it came back pretty easily, although it is seriously in need of polishing (wow is it ever lol). I think we will do ok, maybe we will do it first so we can end with the routine we have been doing for over a year. That one we know pretty well. Our goal is to eventually be able to perform without having a choreographed routine, as that is the format for this style of dancing. We should be able to follow our leader by vocal and physical cues only. Which means we may do a different routine each time we perform. However, I do think there is some merit to a bit of choreography even in this style. :D

Today I did a bit of shopping, spent an insane amount of money on shampoo and conditioner for my head, something recommended for people going through chemo. Also, got some material for head scarves picked out, hope to have them in the next week or so. Right now I think I am managing the upcoming changes quite well. But I am sure that will change when I actually loose my hair. I just like to be prepared.

Right. So, tomorrow there is practice just after lunch and then I will head home to get organized and ready for the performance. It takes the 'professional' dancers over 2 hours to get dressed and made up. I took nearly that long on Sunday, so we shall see. :D

OH, and just an update on the song in my head phenomenon:
a few days ago I woke with "The Bird Dance" (I think that is the name of it) playing in my head "na na nana na na nah, na na nana na na nah....." - anybody want to square dance?? I haven't heard that song in ages LOL Most of the time the songs are ones I heard the day before, but every so often they are songs I haven't heard recently.

Anyway, I will be back to write about my first private performance, I am excited and nervous. Hopefully I won't get stage fright again.

A week and half in the life....

A week and a half in the life of an unemployed, bored but busy, cancer patient.

Today is a day off. How is that, you ask? How can I, who is unemployed, need a "day off"?

The past week and a half has been wonderful for many reasons. I have had dance classes, dance practices, dance performances to keep me busy and focused on something more important than how bored I am. I went to a wedding reception, a bridal shower and a pot luck supper (out of town, even). I have had a pile of follow-up appointments with various doctors and phone calls to arrange things to make life easier in the months to come.

First let me tell you about the social events. The reception and shower were great. I got to visit with some of my co-workers, gripe about work (or lack of), eat some good food and relax with people who I have some things in common with. The pot luck supper that was out of town was great. We visited, learned a bit about Native drumming/singing and dancing. Were treated to a wonderful presentation of Native drumming and singing by a member of the pot luck. Afterwards we joined in drumming just for the sake of drumming. Some people mediated and others thumped away on their drums or shook rattles. It was great. We shared lots of great food, the theme of the evening was to bring an ethnic dish. Which meant we had a good variety of different but familiar dishes. The drive there and back again was quiet and uneventful and provided me a couple of hours of quiet reflection (well not that quiet since I had the stereo turned up as usual).

The doctor's appointments and such are just a part of my recovery and treatment program for the next few months. I discussed chemo and a few other things. Everything is a go. Of course I am not happy about it, but here we go. I start on Monday next week. This week I meet with the lady of the wig bank and see about getting me some hair wear once mine is gone. She has a number of them to look at, one of them is red, two are a medium blonde, and the other is a whiter blonde that is curly and knee length!!! I doubt that long one will be for me but if it was it can certainly be cut. As it is I have waist length hair right now, so I need to work out when I will cut it shorter in preparation for it falling out. My greatest hope is that I will only be mildly tired from the chemo, that there will be no nausea or anything else. Won't know until it starts though so I wait. Also, I will buy or make some head scarves, that way if I can't stand the wig I have something else I can wear. I will go fabric shopping soon.

Now, for the dancing. We danced at the tradeshow this weekend. It was pretty good. Again the conditions kinda sucked, guess I expect too much. LOL The other gals seem used to dressing and undressing where it is possible for others to see them, I am not comfortable with it. The thing that gets me is that there are dressing rooms just around the corner from where we were "hidden" by see-through curtains. Why couldn't we utilize them? The stage was too narrow and there were flat screen television sets that stayed up there with us that had legs that stuck out where we tripped on them or had to step over them. It was not a good set up. From the gals who dance in the performing troupe, they say they have had worse conditions for privacy and performing, but what kind of impression does that make for the children who also participate (especially the impression on their parents). I wouldn't be impressed, and I would certainly raise my concerns with those in charge.
As for the dancing performances themselves, well they were great. We had belly dancers from as young as 4 and as old as 92 (and she did a solo!!). My group and I did ok, but we had some minor malfunctions. I know I forgot a few times what I was doing, or got ahead of the others (nerves cause me to speed up LOL), but everyone said we did great. We ARE our worst critics LOL. Still, I had fun and love performing, just like it better when the audience is farther away than 6 ft from the stage (it was a bit close). Next public performance will be Spectrum in June, I hope I am able to do that this year. I like how it feels performing at Spectrum, very village fair, which is great. Can't wait!

Another slave to tech

So, I finally get around to reading more of my backlog of email, to discover that there were a couple related yet totally separate emails waiting for me. They had to do with the ongoing changes in technology for entertainment at home.

First I look at the most recent Future Shop promotional email. They let me know that there is this newest in DVD players...oh wait, maybe that is a term I should not use? It is the NEW Blu-ray disk and HD-DVD player. All I could think was: WHAT?? Don't tell me my extensive DVD collection is going to be going the way of the Beta cassette already!!! Well I took a quick look at it, they don't provide much info and certainly no price on the first page I link to. There is a link to "Buy Now", I don't wanna buy until I know the price, and I don't want to click that link without knowing what it costs first. So I close the window and delete the email into cyber-oblivion.

Next stop is an email I had been putting off since last week, the latest from Mark Morford of SFGate. The title is "Sweet DVD Players in Hell"( http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/gate/archive/2007/03/02/notes030207.DTL&nl=fix ). I figure, what the hell, might as well check it out. Guess he is a bit more up to date on tech than I am cuz his article includes a mention of Blu-ray (which I still don't know what it means). His article is very humorous, and very true. I can identify with that internal dialogue when going to update tech in my own home.

Just recently I made the move away from the VCR (which is currently gathering dust in the upstairs hallway, but will be coming back to the living room after all cuz there are videos I need to watch and they are only on VHS). I went out and bought a DVD Recorder. It is great. Wonderful menu choices, lots of fun buttons to push that I haven't figured out what they do, except to get me stuck in a spot I don't want to be. *sigh* I love technology, I love the neat things they can do, I love learning a new program or function of one I am familiar with, but sometimes, leaving things the same for a while is great too.

Talking to a community relations officer of a local charity got me thinking that I actually might know more than the average person my age when it comes to intricacies of email and such (yet I don't think I know that much, still haven't experience Blu-Tooth tech yet, however my cell phone is capable...). I try to focus on what is important to me at the time, and learn new things when needed. If I have no applicable use for something then I leave it since it will change sooner that we think anyhow.