Another weekend down!

Wow, another three nights in a row done. Thank all that is holy :D LOL

I am always so tired after the 3 nights in a row. The cat misses me and the house is an even bigger disaster than it was before the weekend. LOL And of course, I am too tired to want to do much, usually have a nap and all that. So you know, I take it easy.

The weekend was a little more tiring since I was having trouble sleeping, for one reason or another. First it was the wind and busy brain on Friday night, then busy brain and cold drafts on Saturday and Sunday nights. Oh well what do you do. I swear I am going to start sleeping on the floor, it has to be more comfortable than the bed they give us to sleep on. LOL

Tomorrow is my big appointment with the Oncologists. I will be taking my list of questions, Mom is coming too.

On other health realted matters, my remaining guppy has a bacterial infection, it killed his buddy, and I guess it will kill this one too. I don't know if he can be saved, I think it will be a matter of days or weeks before he dies too. He was very pretty, but his buddy was prettier. LOL We shall see what happens in the next little while I guess.

I am sure I will have more to say tomorrow after my appointment. Hang in there. :D

Moving along

Today I am back to work after 2 days off. I certainly want to keep up to the usual, but I really don't want to work night shifts right now. Obviously sleep is difficult and trying to sleep in a bed other than your own at home makes it harder. LOL

Today is a alright day. My brain is busy trying to think of all the worst case scenarios it can, even while trying to think of positive things. Tried a bit of meditating so that I could focus on just one thing, one pleasant thing, even if it is nothing. Tried being the operative word. I think I managed about 1 minute today, so tomorrow I will try to make it to 2 minutes of meditation with visualization. :D

So, now my focus is again on mundane things like cleaning up the house, putting the dirity dishes in the dishwasher and the clean ones in the cupboards. LOL Maybe I will get that completed tomorrow, or maybe I will nap all day, who knows. It never ceases to amaze me the way the brain works to keep you going, to keep you from totally obsessing about stressful things in your life. And then when you least expect it, something reminds you of what you are worried about and it all comes flooding back for a bit. And then your brain is back to dealing with the mundane again. I am becoming a fan of the mundane again, not so worried that anything out of the ordinary will happen, just happy the typical things continue. Those are the important things....I will remind myself the next time I feel bored cuz nothing new has happened.

Family, friends and others are rallying around, and that is warming my heart. I would rather be the person warming someone else's hard time, but we don't always get what we want, the way we want them. There are two parts of me, one is calm and accepting of events, and the other is wildly screaming "no way!!". Today I am not sure if one is stronger than the other, but I am leaning toward the calm part being a bit more present. That is a good thing, hard to function when the noisy part drowns out all the mundane stuff.

I am off to work in a little bit, wish me a quiet brain when I lay down to sleep tonight.

So, some more news....

Today hasn't been the best or worst day, however I am certainly not feeling too chipper.

I went to see my doctor for test results for my wrist and about a possible infection. My wrist has a ganglion that can stay where it is if I want to leave it there. I will leave it there unless it starts to cause me pain. Perhaps I will try some light therapy I was told about. I don't have an infection, so that is good too. :D

The not so good part of the day is that my CT scan found another lymph node that is enlarged. So my family doctor is calling my surgeon so we can get a surgery date to take it out. Yippee.
Double yippee, my cancer is considered metastasized. They can only identify it as present in my lymp node that was removed in Novemeber, but that doesn't mean that there aren't cells elsewhere. So next week when I go to see the Oncologist I will have a nice sheet of paper with a pile of questions to ask in regards to my future, or lack thereof.
I wasn't feeling too bad about things until I dragged out a book on breast cancer and started reading. The reading has depressed me but at least I have a bunch of questions I wouldn't otherwise have had to take in with me. I am worried about what my life is going to be like in the next few weeks. The next year. There is certainly going to be treatment recommendations and I just don't know what I am going to do.

This is such a bad time to be delivering bad news to family and friends. With the holiday season fully upon us I don't want to stress people out when they are supposed to be having a good time. A great-aunt is dying from breast cancer right now, no one knows how much longer she will be with us as she is receiving basically comfort measures right now. I don't want to die from breast cancer, I don't want to die young. I just don't want to worry others, I am worried enough.

There are certainly things I want to do and see and experience, and now I am worried I won't have enough time. I am worried about my cat losing me. About all my crap in my house and who might have to sort through it all, and how hard it will be for them. I want to throw everything out. Just keep the favorites and the bare necessities. That way no one has to clean up my mess. LOL. I am worried about my family and friends missing me and having a hard time with my death if I go before they do. And I am worried barely anyone will notice I am gone.
But this is all worry, not fact, not yet.

I don't want to make myself weak by taking treatments that might only prolong my life, but not improve it, but actually take away quality of life for the time have left, however long that time may or not be. I don't want healthy parts damaged just to add a couple of months to my life, a couple of months that may not be very enjoyable due to pain or sickness.
However I don't want to miss the chance of living longer. What to do....

I won't have a chance to discuss these things with my Oncologist until next week. I just hope that I can handle work this weekend, as I will be working night shifts. Nothing like night shifts to cause me to loose sleep, and then add thinking about all of this....I hope I am able to nap during the daytime. :D

So this is what I am thinking about as I am heading off to bed.
Sweet dreams.

Wasn't sure what to write....

So it has been a while since I was in here. Things have been busy.

I had a follow up appointment for the surgery I had in November. The surgeon removed one lymph node in my left axilla(armpit), it had remained swollen after I was stung by a wasp in August. Turns out there was cancer in there. Basically I was told not to panic as it may have all been caught in there, and doesn't necessarily mean I have cancer anywhere else in my body. I forgot to ask if they compared the cells to see if it is a recurrence or a new cancer, I will ask when I go in on the 19th of Dec. I had a bone scan yesterday, and all is well, so that is very good news. On Monday I will have a CT scan of my abdomen, get to drink that lovely chalky barium milkshake. LOL (ugggg) Then on the 19th I will meet the new Oncologist at the Cancer Clinic, not sure if the current Oncologist will be in there then or not. I guess that appointment will be to tell me what I should do next, whether they want me to change a lot more of my lifestyle or even to chemo or whatever.
It would be great if all is well and that there is nothing extraordinary I need to do. But at this point in time I don't know what to expect. Things are a bit strange now. I am worried rather than scared at this time. I am uncertain as to what my future will be and I don't know how I feel about that....you would think I would have some feelings about that but I don't right now. Maybe the shock is still blocking feelings right now, I don't know. What I do feel is that everything will be ok, but I don't know what 'ok' will turn out to be, if that makes any sense at all. :D
Being diagnosed 2 years ago was extremely stressful and frightening, this time it almost feels like I was diagnosed with pneumonia or a cold or something....no big deal, I will be fine, everything is ok now, they got all of it now, I will be fine.....sounds like desperation when it is written out like that. Hmmm.... yet it doesn't feel that way.
Boy do I hope I am right.

Work has been work as usual, although I am considering shaking things up a bit for myself. But it will have to wait for now, until I know what the immediate situation holds for me.

Been taking a break from dancing the past 2 weeks but I am itching to get going again, can't wait for January. I have been practicing this weekend for the first time really since the recital, but that is ok, needed to immerse myself in other things for a bit.

I have been reading, catching up on email and debating on when I should go do my holiday shopping....I have one gift bought so far (LOL) and many more to go. Cleaning up my house is a big priority, painting some walls would also be a good idea. And I definitely want to do more reading of my Asatru/Heathen books. I think a schedule of activity is needed so I stay on track LOL.

Yeah, so the past week has been kinda boring but hardly uneventful. :D

Just another quick update....more to come soon, I am sure.

Check out this Mark Morford article....

I really enjoy reading articles by a San Francisco Gate journalist.
Although articles are meant for an American audience, I find
them interesting nonetheless. I am glad to be Canadian.

:D


----------------------------------------------------------------------
This article was sent to you by someone who found it on SFGate.
The original article can be found on SFGate.com here:
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/gate/archive/2006/11/29/notes112906.DTL
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Wednesday, November 29, 2006 (SF Gate)
Sex Will Make You Go Blind/Single? Under 30? You are in grave danger.
Your government says so. Please, stop laughing
By Mark Morford, SF Gate Columnist

I think I get it now.

The latest pitiable GOP plan, from what I can tell, goes something
like this: To make it all so absurd, to make the remaining Bush
administration proposals and doctrines and cultural stratagems so outlandish and silly
and degrading and insulting to your mind and your heart and your very
own beleaguered genitalia that you cannot help but take note of their
existence and laugh and cringe and sit back and go, Oh my God these
people have got to be kidding.

At which point (they hope) you will turn to your spouse or your
significant other or your dog and say, Hey honey, check this out, did
you see the latest moronic and horrible dictum from the Bush
administration? We should totally try it, just for kicks!

Then the GOP will gloat and say: See? The world still loves the GOP!
Yay us! And then they shall proceed to smack themselves in the face with a
brick.........

TO read the rest of the article click on the link above.

Sunday was great fun!

Yesterday was my recital for my belly dancing classes. It was great fun, and my nervousness to be on stage was surprisingly low. :D Yay for me!
I find it funny how performing anxiety has been for me. I wasn't too nervous the first couple of times, but then I was so nervous at my first Spectrum Festival performance I almost dropped my veil, my hands shook like crazy and I constantly felt like I needed to use the washroom. LOL
Things were a bit nerve wracking for a while after that, but the last while I have been much better. Perhaps all the tradeshows I have performed at have helped, or maybe it was the Centennial celbration in 2005 where there were 100 dancers all on the floor at the same time.....who knows, but at least I am not so nervous anymore. I can actually say I love performing, and if I could do it as a job I think I would. :D
One thing I have noticed though. I have very little memory of my Tribal performances after they are done. I really can't tell you if I did all the moves I was supposed to cuz there is just no recollection for me. Maybe it is due to the intense focus I have when I do that kind of dancing, as I don't seem to have the problem with Cabaret (especially the mistakes I make, always remember those LOL). I can't wait to see the DVD of the recital, I want to see what we looked like out there. Everyone said we were amazing! That is so exciting.

Ok, can't wait for next session.

*~*.~*.~*. Dancing up a storm! *~*.~*.~*.

T'is the Season.....

The Yuletide is fast approaching (I really shouldn't have to remind anyone considering the sales and advertising started before Halloween).

Most of us have celebrated at the this time of the year since we were born so there will obviously be a wide range of traditions followed. My questions to you deal with those traditions and what feelings and thoughts occur for you in relation to the holiday season.

What were your traditions like when growing up? What are they like now? Have you or are you making changes as your spiritual path progresses?

What feelings come to you at this time? Are they positive? negative? ambivalent?

How does your spiritual tradition approach this time of year? What do you do to honor the practices of your path?

My family traditions have changed a bit since I was little, for obvious reasons (us kids are grownups now, the grands have become great-grands, jobs and new families have changed how we gather for celebrations). Christmas was a time of gathering at my grandparent's, visiting with aunts, uncles, cousins and other relatives. We ate great meals, exchanged presents, played games and shared hockey games.
Today things are only slightly different. The crowd is still huge but some of the old faces are no longer with us or unable to come this year or next. The food is still great, and in great quantities. Midnight lunches before everyone headed to their beds and homes still occur.
Money is always a big concern at this time of year. Sometimes that is why some faces don't make it to the grandparents' house. We try our best to get together, even if some are in different countries now.
The tree and decorations are always present, egg nog, baking, turkey. They are all the same. Just the cook may have changed.

I haven't made a lot of changes, just the name of my holiday is sort of different. Instead of Christmas now I celebrate Yule. There have been very few changes as my spiritual quest moves along. This is in part due to the fact that a lot of the practices my family has followed is similar to that which my ancestors followed. Christmas in this part of the world is very influenced by its Germanic past, and as my family is predominantly decended from the Germanic areas of the world it works out well for me and mine.

My feelings at this time of the year are of nostalgia, happiness, a sense of sharing and well being. Most families have a lot of drama when they get together, and although my family was not immune to that, it was usually of a low key nature, and the children usually were not aware of what troubles were there. Getting together at this time was wonderful and full of magic and love. Wow, that sounds great, and it feels great to look back on those times and remember that feeling of belonging.

My current tradition embraces the folklore, beliefs and practices of Germanic cultures past. As I explore Asatru I see what we practice today as Christmas is descended from what many of my ancestors would have seen as part of their Yule celebrations.
Yule covers a period of 12 days (hence the 12 days of Christmas....), including Mother's night (20th Dec) which is the first day of Yule, and Yule itself falls on the Solstice. The last day being New Year's. This is the time of year that female ancestors and several Goddess were honored. They were honored with foods and rituals similar to what many of us partake in today. This was the most important holy time of the year for Germanic peoples. The doors between the worlds are open, the dead walk and the Wild Hunt is riding. This is why we honor our ancestors at this time.
As my family celebrates Christmas there are some elements of my discoveries that I will practice in private, and some that are long standing traditions with my family that I have been a part of since I was born. There are not too many different aspects to my traditional family celebrations, but my mindfulness of the season and of my family is surely more focused. Age and learning has changed that much for me, and for that I am glad. :D

Whew!

So the week has come to an end! I am so glad I am off for the weekend. I want to sleep in tomorrow morning and laze around all day. :D

Well the last few days were busy with work and more work. Was really tired yesterday so I actually went to bed early again. Very good idea. Decided to skip Midnight Madness downtown last night, I will check out the bellydancing stuff on Saturday morning. Oh and a new skirt has arrived for Tribal, I am looking forward to checking it out.

Wow, winter is here! I love snow, hate slippery roads though. It will make going to the recital, this weekend, a challenge. I think I will wait to dress up until I am there this time so I keep my costume dry and clean. I am excited to see how our routine works out as we haven't danced it publicly yet. I have some last minute costuming changes I need to make before we perform on Sunday, so I will be busy tomorrow. Would love to get some pics taken of the Tribe, I might take my camera and see if we can get someone to snap a couple of pics.

So I found an interesting article in The Scotsman:

Woman on the verge of a breakthrough

THE young Edinburgh physicist crowned Science Woman of the Future tells
SUSAN MANSFIELD why spider webs and a material that mimics human bone
are key to our survival

http://news.scotsman.com/index.cfm?id=1740642006

Great to see someone working on something with potentially diverse applications. Also great to see a woman getting such wonderful recognition, I hope she has great success with her work.

Not so much done today LOL

Well, I didn't do as much today, but I kept busy.
Should have run the dishwasher but I can do that tomorrow. LOL
So I had a crappy sleep last night. I couldn't get to sleep before 2:30 am and I was awake by 7:00am listening to the morning rush that hisses past my bedroom window. I managed to lie in bed until 8:45 but didn't really sleep. I watched some TV, tried to catch up on my email, and then headed off to dance class at 7:00pm. That went well, got a little winded a couple of times but otherwise did ok. Came home, chatted online and read more email. Now I need to get to bed cuz I work tomorrow, have a dentist appointment I forgot about and then I dance again. LOL

As long as my neck doesn't kill me tomorrow like it did today, I should be fine. But I think it was the binder and the tube down my throat that was causing me trouble. I took the binder off and put a tensor bandage on instead for class tonight. Much better. LOL

Anyhow, you really don't want to hear about all that, do you? Well if you do, you are more boring than I am. *sigh* :D

Ok, have a good one.

One busy weekend, and this week is no different!

So I have decided to start a blog.

I figured I would do it now since I actually have something interesting to say right now. :D

This weekend I went to Regina for a Tribal Bellydance workshop. It was great. I learned a lot, tried out some East Indian style dancing called Kathak. It is very beautiful, but hard on my feet since it had a lot of hard, barefooted, stomping. Definitely some aspects that could be used by the Tribe I belong to. We are called Octiana (not sure on the spelling at this time), it means "my sisters". I am very excited to add in the new moves we have learned this weekend. We will be getting DVDs of the performances on Saturday night, it was wonderful. The energy in the room had me reeling, it was very magical and exciting. We are hoping we will be good enough next year to perform. My Tribe is very new, we have only been dancing as a group for about a year now, so we have a ways to go. Lots of practicing together and at home is what I am seeing.

I am still enjoying Cabaret style belly dancing but American Tribal has a different energy to it. It can be aggressive, gentle, earthy, confident, energizing, comforting, threatening all at the same time. It depends on the the moves, the music, the arrangement of the dancers and the costuming and makeup. Cabaret is showy and glittery, it can be slow or fast or in between. Tribal can be the same but it is vastly different because of the moves. You would have to see it to understand the differences. I LOVE dancing! Never thought I would since I didn't start dancing until about 3 years ago, which means I was 30 when I started. Wish I had started sooner. LOL

So the weekend was good, 6 hours to Regina on Friday, no sleep that night for unknown reasons, danced all day, went to Red Lobster for supper and had my first lobster and crab legs. Very good, I will get just lobster next time as the one I had was really small. Then the performances were Saturday night. Got a good sleep and up a bit later on Sunday. Went to one more workshop on Sunday, Basket Dancing, very neat, and they worked us hard. We danced non-stop for the whole 2 hours! Then we drove 6 hours back to Medicine Hat after we decided to skip a trip to Chapters. We all spent way too much at the Souk during the workshop. I bought a couple of huge rings, a sari fabric, dvd and a green oriental brocade belt with yarn hanging down.
Here are some pics:





So they aren't the best pics but I think you get a sense of what the items look like. I can't wait to dance with my rings and I might even dance with my new belt too. We shall see what we decide for costuming on Wednesday as our recital is on Sunday.

Now on to the activities for this week.
Today, I had surgery to remove a lymph node that was swollen after a wasp sting in August. I have to wait about 2 weeks for results, hopefully all is well. One neat thing today was that I got to pick the area where the incision was placed. It should be in a place that makes it easier to hide or not be noticed, compared to the one on my right side. :D
Due to the surgery I am unsure whether I will be performing this weekend at our recital at Medicine Hat College. The plan is that I will take it easy this week and then dance on Sunday. I have 2 practices this week, Tues and Wed, for Cabaret and Tribal (repsectively). The arm work might have to be left out or toned down but I will do the leg work and such as much as I am able. As long as I don't hurt too much I will be dancing on Sunday. Boy do I hope I will be able to perform. :D

I still have to work this week too, but I am not supposed to do much heavy lifting. I work day shifts so I should be ok. There will be others around to share that task. Yeah I like to do too much sometimes, but I know how to be careful. Too much important stuff to do to risk causing myself problems for later.

Ok, this is long enough for my first post. And now it is officially Tuesday, rather than Monday, which is when I started this post. *sigh*

I will keep you posted as I have the time this week.