Wow, another three nights in a row done. Thank all that is holy :D LOL
I am always so tired after the 3 nights in a row. The cat misses me and the house is an even bigger disaster than it was before the weekend. LOL And of course, I am too tired to want to do much, usually have a nap and all that. So you know, I take it easy.
The weekend was a little more tiring since I was having trouble sleeping, for one reason or another. First it was the wind and busy brain on Friday night, then busy brain and cold drafts on Saturday and Sunday nights. Oh well what do you do. I swear I am going to start sleeping on the floor, it has to be more comfortable than the bed they give us to sleep on. LOL
Tomorrow is my big appointment with the Oncologists. I will be taking my list of questions, Mom is coming too.
On other health realted matters, my remaining guppy has a bacterial infection, it killed his buddy, and I guess it will kill this one too. I don't know if he can be saved, I think it will be a matter of days or weeks before he dies too. He was very pretty, but his buddy was prettier. LOL We shall see what happens in the next little while I guess.
I am sure I will have more to say tomorrow after my appointment. Hang in there. :D
Monday, December 18, 2006
Friday, December 15, 2006
Moving along
Today I am back to work after 2 days off. I certainly want to keep up to the usual, but I really don't want to work night shifts right now. Obviously sleep is difficult and trying to sleep in a bed other than your own at home makes it harder. LOL
Today is a alright day. My brain is busy trying to think of all the worst case scenarios it can, even while trying to think of positive things. Tried a bit of meditating so that I could focus on just one thing, one pleasant thing, even if it is nothing. Tried being the operative word. I think I managed about 1 minute today, so tomorrow I will try to make it to 2 minutes of meditation with visualization. :D
So, now my focus is again on mundane things like cleaning up the house, putting the dirity dishes in the dishwasher and the clean ones in the cupboards. LOL Maybe I will get that completed tomorrow, or maybe I will nap all day, who knows. It never ceases to amaze me the way the brain works to keep you going, to keep you from totally obsessing about stressful things in your life. And then when you least expect it, something reminds you of what you are worried about and it all comes flooding back for a bit. And then your brain is back to dealing with the mundane again. I am becoming a fan of the mundane again, not so worried that anything out of the ordinary will happen, just happy the typical things continue. Those are the important things....I will remind myself the next time I feel bored cuz nothing new has happened.
Family, friends and others are rallying around, and that is warming my heart. I would rather be the person warming someone else's hard time, but we don't always get what we want, the way we want them. There are two parts of me, one is calm and accepting of events, and the other is wildly screaming "no way!!". Today I am not sure if one is stronger than the other, but I am leaning toward the calm part being a bit more present. That is a good thing, hard to function when the noisy part drowns out all the mundane stuff.
I am off to work in a little bit, wish me a quiet brain when I lay down to sleep tonight.
Today is a alright day. My brain is busy trying to think of all the worst case scenarios it can, even while trying to think of positive things. Tried a bit of meditating so that I could focus on just one thing, one pleasant thing, even if it is nothing. Tried being the operative word. I think I managed about 1 minute today, so tomorrow I will try to make it to 2 minutes of meditation with visualization. :D
So, now my focus is again on mundane things like cleaning up the house, putting the dirity dishes in the dishwasher and the clean ones in the cupboards. LOL Maybe I will get that completed tomorrow, or maybe I will nap all day, who knows. It never ceases to amaze me the way the brain works to keep you going, to keep you from totally obsessing about stressful things in your life. And then when you least expect it, something reminds you of what you are worried about and it all comes flooding back for a bit. And then your brain is back to dealing with the mundane again. I am becoming a fan of the mundane again, not so worried that anything out of the ordinary will happen, just happy the typical things continue. Those are the important things....I will remind myself the next time I feel bored cuz nothing new has happened.
Family, friends and others are rallying around, and that is warming my heart. I would rather be the person warming someone else's hard time, but we don't always get what we want, the way we want them. There are two parts of me, one is calm and accepting of events, and the other is wildly screaming "no way!!". Today I am not sure if one is stronger than the other, but I am leaning toward the calm part being a bit more present. That is a good thing, hard to function when the noisy part drowns out all the mundane stuff.
I am off to work in a little bit, wish me a quiet brain when I lay down to sleep tonight.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
So, some more news....
Today hasn't been the best or worst day, however I am certainly not feeling too chipper.
I went to see my doctor for test results for my wrist and about a possible infection. My wrist has a ganglion that can stay where it is if I want to leave it there. I will leave it there unless it starts to cause me pain. Perhaps I will try some light therapy I was told about. I don't have an infection, so that is good too. :D
The not so good part of the day is that my CT scan found another lymph node that is enlarged. So my family doctor is calling my surgeon so we can get a surgery date to take it out. Yippee.
Double yippee, my cancer is considered metastasized. They can only identify it as present in my lymp node that was removed in Novemeber, but that doesn't mean that there aren't cells elsewhere. So next week when I go to see the Oncologist I will have a nice sheet of paper with a pile of questions to ask in regards to my future, or lack thereof.
I wasn't feeling too bad about things until I dragged out a book on breast cancer and started reading. The reading has depressed me but at least I have a bunch of questions I wouldn't otherwise have had to take in with me. I am worried about what my life is going to be like in the next few weeks. The next year. There is certainly going to be treatment recommendations and I just don't know what I am going to do.
This is such a bad time to be delivering bad news to family and friends. With the holiday season fully upon us I don't want to stress people out when they are supposed to be having a good time. A great-aunt is dying from breast cancer right now, no one knows how much longer she will be with us as she is receiving basically comfort measures right now. I don't want to die from breast cancer, I don't want to die young. I just don't want to worry others, I am worried enough.
There are certainly things I want to do and see and experience, and now I am worried I won't have enough time. I am worried about my cat losing me. About all my crap in my house and who might have to sort through it all, and how hard it will be for them. I want to throw everything out. Just keep the favorites and the bare necessities. That way no one has to clean up my mess. LOL. I am worried about my family and friends missing me and having a hard time with my death if I go before they do. And I am worried barely anyone will notice I am gone.
But this is all worry, not fact, not yet.
I don't want to make myself weak by taking treatments that might only prolong my life, but not improve it, but actually take away quality of life for the time have left, however long that time may or not be. I don't want healthy parts damaged just to add a couple of months to my life, a couple of months that may not be very enjoyable due to pain or sickness.
However I don't want to miss the chance of living longer. What to do....
I won't have a chance to discuss these things with my Oncologist until next week. I just hope that I can handle work this weekend, as I will be working night shifts. Nothing like night shifts to cause me to loose sleep, and then add thinking about all of this....I hope I am able to nap during the daytime. :D
So this is what I am thinking about as I am heading off to bed.
Sweet dreams.
I went to see my doctor for test results for my wrist and about a possible infection. My wrist has a ganglion that can stay where it is if I want to leave it there. I will leave it there unless it starts to cause me pain. Perhaps I will try some light therapy I was told about. I don't have an infection, so that is good too. :D
The not so good part of the day is that my CT scan found another lymph node that is enlarged. So my family doctor is calling my surgeon so we can get a surgery date to take it out. Yippee.
Double yippee, my cancer is considered metastasized. They can only identify it as present in my lymp node that was removed in Novemeber, but that doesn't mean that there aren't cells elsewhere. So next week when I go to see the Oncologist I will have a nice sheet of paper with a pile of questions to ask in regards to my future, or lack thereof.
I wasn't feeling too bad about things until I dragged out a book on breast cancer and started reading. The reading has depressed me but at least I have a bunch of questions I wouldn't otherwise have had to take in with me. I am worried about what my life is going to be like in the next few weeks. The next year. There is certainly going to be treatment recommendations and I just don't know what I am going to do.
This is such a bad time to be delivering bad news to family and friends. With the holiday season fully upon us I don't want to stress people out when they are supposed to be having a good time. A great-aunt is dying from breast cancer right now, no one knows how much longer she will be with us as she is receiving basically comfort measures right now. I don't want to die from breast cancer, I don't want to die young. I just don't want to worry others, I am worried enough.
There are certainly things I want to do and see and experience, and now I am worried I won't have enough time. I am worried about my cat losing me. About all my crap in my house and who might have to sort through it all, and how hard it will be for them. I want to throw everything out. Just keep the favorites and the bare necessities. That way no one has to clean up my mess. LOL. I am worried about my family and friends missing me and having a hard time with my death if I go before they do. And I am worried barely anyone will notice I am gone.
But this is all worry, not fact, not yet.
I don't want to make myself weak by taking treatments that might only prolong my life, but not improve it, but actually take away quality of life for the time have left, however long that time may or not be. I don't want healthy parts damaged just to add a couple of months to my life, a couple of months that may not be very enjoyable due to pain or sickness.
However I don't want to miss the chance of living longer. What to do....
I won't have a chance to discuss these things with my Oncologist until next week. I just hope that I can handle work this weekend, as I will be working night shifts. Nothing like night shifts to cause me to loose sleep, and then add thinking about all of this....I hope I am able to nap during the daytime. :D
So this is what I am thinking about as I am heading off to bed.
Sweet dreams.
Saturday, December 9, 2006
Wasn't sure what to write....
So it has been a while since I was in here. Things have been busy.
I had a follow up appointment for the surgery I had in November. The surgeon removed one lymph node in my left axilla(armpit), it had remained swollen after I was stung by a wasp in August. Turns out there was cancer in there. Basically I was told not to panic as it may have all been caught in there, and doesn't necessarily mean I have cancer anywhere else in my body. I forgot to ask if they compared the cells to see if it is a recurrence or a new cancer, I will ask when I go in on the 19th of Dec. I had a bone scan yesterday, and all is well, so that is very good news. On Monday I will have a CT scan of my abdomen, get to drink that lovely chalky barium milkshake. LOL (ugggg) Then on the 19th I will meet the new Oncologist at the Cancer Clinic, not sure if the current Oncologist will be in there then or not. I guess that appointment will be to tell me what I should do next, whether they want me to change a lot more of my lifestyle or even to chemo or whatever.
It would be great if all is well and that there is nothing extraordinary I need to do. But at this point in time I don't know what to expect. Things are a bit strange now. I am worried rather than scared at this time. I am uncertain as to what my future will be and I don't know how I feel about that....you would think I would have some feelings about that but I don't right now. Maybe the shock is still blocking feelings right now, I don't know. What I do feel is that everything will be ok, but I don't know what 'ok' will turn out to be, if that makes any sense at all. :D
Being diagnosed 2 years ago was extremely stressful and frightening, this time it almost feels like I was diagnosed with pneumonia or a cold or something....no big deal, I will be fine, everything is ok now, they got all of it now, I will be fine.....sounds like desperation when it is written out like that. Hmmm.... yet it doesn't feel that way.
Boy do I hope I am right.
Work has been work as usual, although I am considering shaking things up a bit for myself. But it will have to wait for now, until I know what the immediate situation holds for me.
Been taking a break from dancing the past 2 weeks but I am itching to get going again, can't wait for January. I have been practicing this weekend for the first time really since the recital, but that is ok, needed to immerse myself in other things for a bit.
I have been reading, catching up on email and debating on when I should go do my holiday shopping....I have one gift bought so far (LOL) and many more to go. Cleaning up my house is a big priority, painting some walls would also be a good idea. And I definitely want to do more reading of my Asatru/Heathen books. I think a schedule of activity is needed so I stay on track LOL.
Yeah, so the past week has been kinda boring but hardly uneventful. :D
Just another quick update....more to come soon, I am sure.
I had a follow up appointment for the surgery I had in November. The surgeon removed one lymph node in my left axilla(armpit), it had remained swollen after I was stung by a wasp in August. Turns out there was cancer in there. Basically I was told not to panic as it may have all been caught in there, and doesn't necessarily mean I have cancer anywhere else in my body. I forgot to ask if they compared the cells to see if it is a recurrence or a new cancer, I will ask when I go in on the 19th of Dec. I had a bone scan yesterday, and all is well, so that is very good news. On Monday I will have a CT scan of my abdomen, get to drink that lovely chalky barium milkshake. LOL (ugggg) Then on the 19th I will meet the new Oncologist at the Cancer Clinic, not sure if the current Oncologist will be in there then or not. I guess that appointment will be to tell me what I should do next, whether they want me to change a lot more of my lifestyle or even to chemo or whatever.
It would be great if all is well and that there is nothing extraordinary I need to do. But at this point in time I don't know what to expect. Things are a bit strange now. I am worried rather than scared at this time. I am uncertain as to what my future will be and I don't know how I feel about that....you would think I would have some feelings about that but I don't right now. Maybe the shock is still blocking feelings right now, I don't know. What I do feel is that everything will be ok, but I don't know what 'ok' will turn out to be, if that makes any sense at all. :D
Being diagnosed 2 years ago was extremely stressful and frightening, this time it almost feels like I was diagnosed with pneumonia or a cold or something....no big deal, I will be fine, everything is ok now, they got all of it now, I will be fine.....sounds like desperation when it is written out like that. Hmmm.... yet it doesn't feel that way.
Boy do I hope I am right.
Work has been work as usual, although I am considering shaking things up a bit for myself. But it will have to wait for now, until I know what the immediate situation holds for me.
Been taking a break from dancing the past 2 weeks but I am itching to get going again, can't wait for January. I have been practicing this weekend for the first time really since the recital, but that is ok, needed to immerse myself in other things for a bit.
I have been reading, catching up on email and debating on when I should go do my holiday shopping....I have one gift bought so far (LOL) and many more to go. Cleaning up my house is a big priority, painting some walls would also be a good idea. And I definitely want to do more reading of my Asatru/Heathen books. I think a schedule of activity is needed so I stay on track LOL.
Yeah, so the past week has been kinda boring but hardly uneventful. :D
Just another quick update....more to come soon, I am sure.
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